Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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