My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
