It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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