Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have fence marks all over my body
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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