I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
