Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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