I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
