Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
