I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
