I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
