can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
