I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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