i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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