omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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