i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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