Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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