I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
being pregnant is like rehab
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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