So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
