Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
