Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
