That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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