My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize