Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
