high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
