Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
