you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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