Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
