dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
