Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
