New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
