I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
