I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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