Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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