i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
