I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
