How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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