do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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