i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
