dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
