It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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