It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Holy sore nipples Batman
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
