genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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