Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
