I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
