I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
