If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
