i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
