Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
love makes seman taste better
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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