I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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