there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
