woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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