I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize