So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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