I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
