Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
