I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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