you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
